I realize every job has its good and bad points. In my 11 years as a Merchant Mariner wife, I've gotten used to being alone half the year, scheduling everything around my man's leaving and coming home.... doing dinner parties and holidays and birthday celebrations as near to the actual day as the hitches allow. I've gotten used to being Mom AND Dad and my very FAVORITE thing of all is convincing people that my husband is real...thathe doesn't only exist in my mind.
There is, however, one thing I will never grow accustomed to, and that is sleeping alone. I have my routine, my favorite TV shows on the DVR, and my tiny pill that helps me sleep. I have learned to arrange the pillows in the shape of a "U" so I feel like my husband is in the bed beside me. I learned to turn the heating blanket on before my shower because crawling into a cold bed only makes the empiness seem more intense. I figured out that starting a load of laundry right before I go to bed keeps me from hearing all the little noises that freak me out.
The worst part of sleeping alone though is when I have a bad dream. Last night I had an absolutely horrible nightmare! It involved a restaurant and a party that turned into me trying to leave in Donald Trump's limousine. Then I was with a few other people I didn't know, trying to hide from a group of murderers and/or terrorists. Next I was escaping by climbing down a rock wall with one of our church band members by holding onto the ivy. Next I had lost my shirt and I was riding around on a lawn tractor trying to buy parts to fix my car. I ended up stopping for gas and the cashier wouldn't let me use my loyalty card to save on gas for my lawnmower. I ran sobbing to the bathroom, which was covered in blood. Turns out before I escaped with the church band member I killed all the bad guys. I ran and ran, but I couldn't get anywhere.... Finally I woke up, sweating and scared to move or even open my eyes! I was lying diagonally in my bed, and the sun was just coming up. It took me a few minutes to get myself oriented to what was really going on and where I really was.
I texted my man, and he had already been working several hours by 6:00am. I told him I had a bad dream and I wished he was here. He replied he wished he was too. When he is home and I have a bad dream, I wake him up (usually before I wake up) and he talks to me to get me awake and aware of my surroundings. Then he pulls me close and I lay my head on his chest. He kind of rocks me back and forth and whispers "sssshhhhhh.....you're ok.....everything's ok.....shhhhhhh.....I got you". He pushes my hair back out of my face and kisses the top of my head. When I get calmed down, I fall back asleep, knowing he's "got me". And I sleep....
